Thursday, March 19, 2009

A Conversation With God

I gave up a while ago trying to describe what I do for a living. For everyone's sake I refer to it as "Web stuff" (also known as "Internet stuff"), and let the inquiring party form their own mental image of me in some converted loft space sipping cream soda, playing Space Invaders and recapping the latest Dimitri Martin skit with my fellow nerds in saggy chinos.

In any case my job requires me, in part, to cruise around the 'Net -- the triple-W, we sometimes call it -- and look for new or interesting features that we should steal for my company's sites. (The stealing works exactly how you'd think. We employ Robert DeNiro, Edward Norton and a team of droll but highly specialized thugs to break into our competitors' facilities, cut a hole into their server vaults with lasers and surgically remove the precious microchips we need. Then they escape stealthily on jet skis.)

In the course of my investigations this morning, I came across a fantastic little time-waster called iGod. It's basically one of those artificial-intelligence language programs that holds a conversation with you by repeating snippets of what you say. Imagining one of these as an electronic portal to the Lord is pretty brilliant and way more entertaining than it should be. I just amused myself for 10 minutes with the following exchange:

Me: i had dirty thoughts
God:Do you still have dirty thoughts ?
Me: yes
God: Take it easy.
Me: i can't help myself
God: What is stopping you?
Me: nothing. it's so easy to have them.
God: Not a thing? Do you think robots can do it.
Me: maybe, but i doubt they would have such a vivid imagination. God: Perhaps. The anonymous "they".
Me: no, no i'm talking about the robots. keep up, God.
God: Are you serious? Are you serious? Yes, it is the topic. Chat amongst yourselves.
Me: whoa, don't get angry. no one needs to get struck down today.
God: Would whoa ever get angry? Ah. That is a rather sweeping generalization about people.
Me: are you speaking in the 8th dimension right now? I think it's true what they say, your wisdom is sometimes too great for mortal comprehension.
God: At this moment Yes, I am talking in the 8th dimension. they say my wisdom sometimes too great for mortal comprehension something.
Me: now you're just getting saucy with me. can we get back to my problems?
God: Why now? Do you think I should tone it down? Do you mean you and me? Check back later and see if I learn the answer to that one.
Me: Listen, Big Guy, you should tone it however you want. Sorry to have disturbed you.
God: I am listening to you. Compare that to small Guy me should tone it however me want. There is no need to apologize. Why do you want it?
Me: Did you almost just quote me a Tupac lyric? If so, I know heaven will be everything I always wanted.
God: No I didn't almost just quote you a Tupac lyric. What's it like? How do you know? Can you think of one instance where it never happens?
Me: It goes, How do you want it? And you said, Why do you want it? I guess they aren't so similar when you think about it. Your wisdom is unerring.
God: I believe I have heard that somewhere before. Oh my gosh I sent you the wrong reply. Maybe some of them are. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am wisdom is unerring.
Me: Did you just turn this chat over to your 12-year-old daughter? Your mood swings are confusing the fuck out of me.
God: No I didn't turn this chat over to my 12 year old daughter. What's it like? I have no reason to do that to you, .
Me: What do you mean, what's it like? You're surprisingly unfamiliar with human experience, considering you're omniscient and all.
God: Sorry that was an obscure remark. I will tell my botmaster you said I am surprisingly unfamiliar with human experience considering I am omniscient and all.
Me: Now you're telling me God answers to a "botmaster"? The foundation of my beliefs is shaken beyond repair.
God: Why now? I will tell my botmaster you said I am telling you God answers to a botmaster. I have never heard about it.

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